WHO WRITES THESE ESSAYS?
We hire current and former academics, graduate students who teach their own classes, with advanced graduate
degrees, ninjas, and warlock Vatican assassins. We would hire Charlie Sheen but he is currently "occupied
with projects involving blow, hookers, and saving the whales." All of our writers' credentials are objectively
verified prior to their acceptance.
WHAT DOES MY ESSAY COME WITH?
Everything but the kitchen sink. If you need it, we'll throw it in. But, simply put, our essays include
all the supposes extras that our moronic competitors claim to shower on you as gifts: bibliographies;
references; title pages; and believe it or not page numbers too. We'd send you a case of ramen noodles
with your order but we don't want to know where you live.
CAN YOU WRITE IN ANY CITATION STYLE (MLA, APA, ASA, TURABIAN, CHICAGO, HARVARD, etc) or USE MY REQUIRED
We can write in any style that you or your professor could possibly contrive. Unemployed Professors'
super wizard has provided us with software via which we input data and magically conjure out references
in any formatting style on the face of the earth. As for required sources, we most certainly can use
and abuse them for you. It should be noted that, in some cases when a book is unavailable from the academic
libraries that we are affiliated with, and an integral part of your assignment requires a sustained
examination of it, we will need to purchase the book with your funds. In this case, you will be advised
and charged the going price on Amazon plus the required shipping if your order is time-sensitive.
HOW FAST CAN YOU WRITE MY ESSAY?
How much money are you willing to pay? In all seriousness, our online bidding system allows you complete
control over the speed at which your essay can be written. Because our greedy unemployed professors
are bidding on your essays, you can set the timeframe in which you need the work done and the market
will dictate a price. Put more simply, we can write your essay as fast as your last one-night stand
or as slow as the travails of a tantric master's love-making. We promise you, though, that we will make
sweet tender love to your essay if you want it within a reasonable time-frame, or f*ck it back to the
stone age if you want it hard and fast.
CAN I COMMUNICATE WITH THE PERSON WRITING MY ESSAY?
You can't call your Unemployed Professor and weep about your sappy love life but you'll be able sure
as hell to give him or her instructions via the constantly-monitored messaging board only after he/she
bids on your project. They'll be happy to take your instructions, render them comprehensible and competent,
and put them into your paper lest you forget that they're much smarter than you are.
HOW WILL I RECEIVE MY CUSTOM ORDER?
After you select the winner, he/she will upload it directly to your own account for you to download
and you will then be able to pester your writer for revisions.
WHAT'S YOUR REFUND POLICY?
Unemployed Professors only offers refunds under one very limited condition. If the essay provided by
your writer does not meet the guidelines that you provided, and you are capable of cogently articulating
why, you will be entitled only to a partial refund depending on the degree of disjuncture having
occurred. We can tell you, though, that any Unemployed Professor caught doing this will be beat to death
with piles of old textbooks and set out on the quad for all to mock.
IS IT ILLEGAL TO BUY AN ESSAY?
Absolutely not - we offer custom research tailored to your needs. We might be mercenaries but sure as
hell are not going to pop a cap in anybody's ass. We're just transferring copyright over research that
we've done, in exchange for our fee, to you. Feel free to do whatever you want with the essay - you
own it. Karl Marx would flip around in his grave but that's the beauty of capitalism baby!
IS IT UNETHICAL FOR ME TO BUY AN ESSAY?
If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Only you can answer that question.
ISN'T IT REALLY UNETHICAL FOR YOU TO BE WRITING THESE ESSAYS FOR CASH?
Incredibly so, and because the academic system is already so corrupt, we're totally cool with that.
We even all have matching tweed t-shirts.
WILL PLAGIARISM DETECTION SOFTWARE "CATCH" MY ESSAY?
They say that it's called fishing instead of catching for a reason but that's not the point. If you
seriously think that a CUSTOM-WRITTEN essay can be caught by plagiarism software, you probably shouldn't
be in college. The whole reason why you're using this services is so that your lazy ass doesn't itself
have to plagiarize. Long answer? We source and cite everything we write on the basis of our long experience
of non-plagiarizing. Short answer? No, you're not going to get caught unless you do something stupid
like tell everyone that you bought an essay.
IS MY CONFIDENTIALITY AND PRIVACY ENSURED?
The only thing that we care more about your privacy is our own. In that vein, we want to know as little
about you as possible. All of your credit card information is handled by a third-party. All that we
know about you is the name (noms de guerre permitted) that you provide us with and the assignment that
you're commissioning us to complete. We don't know anymore than that and sure as hell don't want to.
So, yeah, your confidentiality and privacy are guaranteed.