We hire current and former academics, graduate students who teach their own classes, with advanced graduate degrees, ninjas, and warlock Vatican assassins. We would hire Charlie Sheen but he is currently "occupied with projects involving blow, hookers, and saving the whales." All of our writers' credentials are objectively verified prior to their acceptance.

Everything but the kitchen sink. If you need it, we'll throw it in. But, simply put, our essays include all the supposes extras that our moronic competitors claim to shower on you as gifts: bibliographies; references; title pages; and believe it or not page numbers too. We'd send you a case of ramen noodles with your order but we don't want to know where you live.

We can write in any style that you or your professor could possibly contrive. Unemployed Professors' super wizard has provided us with software via which we input data and magically conjure out references in any formatting style on the face of the earth. As for required sources, we most certainly can use and abuse them for you. It should be noted that, in some cases when a book is unavailable from the academic libraries that we are affiliated with, and an integral part of your assignment requires a sustained examination of it, we will need to purchase the book with your funds. In this case, you will be advised and charged the going price on Amazon plus the required shipping if your order is time-sensitive.

How much money are you willing to pay? In all seriousness, our online bidding system allows you complete control over the speed at which your essay can be written. Because our greedy unemployed professors are bidding on your essays, you can set the timeframe in which you need the work done and the market will dictate a price. Put more simply, we can write your essay as fast as your last one-night stand or as slow as the travails of a tantric master's love-making. We promise you, though, that we will make sweet tender love to your essay if you want it within a reasonable time-frame, or f*ck it back to the stone age if you want it hard and fast.

You can't call your Unemployed Professor and weep about your sappy love life but you'll be able sure as hell to give him or her instructions via the constantly-monitored messaging board only after he/she bids on your project. They'll be happy to take your instructions, render them comprehensible and competent, and put them into your paper lest you forget that they're much smarter than you are.

After you select the winner, he/she will upload it directly to your own account for you to download and you will then be able to pester your writer for revisions.

Unemployed Professors only offers refunds under one very limited condition. If the essay provided by your writer does not meet the guidelines that you provided, and you are capable of cogently articulating why, you will be entitled only to a partial refund depending on the degree of disjuncture having occurred. We can tell you, though, that any Unemployed Professor caught doing this will be beat to death with piles of old textbooks and set out on the quad for all to mock.

Absolutely not - we offer custom research tailored to your needs. We might be mercenaries but sure as hell are not going to pop a cap in anybody's ass. We're just transferring copyright over research that we've done, in exchange for our fee, to you. Feel free to do whatever you want with the essay - you own it. Karl Marx would flip around in his grave but that's the beauty of capitalism baby!

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Only you can answer that question.

Incredibly so, and because the academic system is already so corrupt, we're totally cool with that. We even all have matching tweed t-shirts.

They say that it's called fishing instead of catching for a reason but that's not the point. If you seriously think that a CUSTOM-WRITTEN essay can be caught by plagiarism software, you probably shouldn't be in college. The whole reason why you're using this services is so that your lazy ass doesn't itself have to plagiarize. Long answer? We source and cite everything we write on the basis of our long experience of non-plagiarizing. Short answer? No, you're not going to get caught unless you do something stupid like tell everyone that you bought an essay.

The only thing that we care more about than your privacy is our own. In that vein, we want to know as little about you as possible. All of your credit card information is handled by a third-party. All that we know about you is the name (noms de guerre permitted) that you provide us with and the assignment that you're commissioning us to complete. We don't know anymore than that and sure as hell don't want to. So, yeah, your confidentiality and privacy are guaranteed.